im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
