i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
only if we run a train.
done.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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