everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
