I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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