He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
