just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
