My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
