oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
