I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
