I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
