While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
don't judge my taste in strippers
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
