Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I look better un-naked...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
