You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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