I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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