Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You can't special order awesome
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
