Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
