If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
