Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
