Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
