i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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