Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
