She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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