During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
