If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
