he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
