Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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