I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
