I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In other news, I just burned my penis
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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