The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
