I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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