please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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