I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
