Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we made out on top of his cat.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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