I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She needs sedatives and a leash
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
