I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
