i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
