Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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