Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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