My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
