if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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