he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
