I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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