Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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