she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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