I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
