Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
