I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
