I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
