yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
