you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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