I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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