check it out our google latitudes are spooning
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
