im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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