omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
