if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
